


Sick of losing soulmates

by SarcasticFallenAngel



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Best Friends, Boys Kissing, Evan and Connor begin to heal, Evan does too, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Galaxy Gals, Gay, Getting Together, I just want connor to get better, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It's a long way but I'm sure they'll make it, Larry is trying, Let connor be happy, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Pining, Self-Esteem Issues, Soft Boys, Suicide Attempt Mention, Swearing, Therapy, Time Skips, What if Connor hadn't pushed Evan on the first day of school, connor gets the help he needs, kind of, slow-burn, soft connor, soft evan, treebros, zoe and Connor fixing their relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-13 22:32:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11769762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarcasticFallenAngel/pseuds/SarcasticFallenAngel
Summary: "You know...I think I like you, Hansen." And yet again, Evan was unprepared for what he was witnessing. "Here, give me your phone." As Connor extended his hand he reached for his phone, almost on autopilot, unlocking it and then handing it over. After a few minutes, the electronic device was back in his grip. He stares at the screen, unable to believe his eyes for the second time that night. There was a new contact which read "Connor"."Now we can both at least pretend we have a friend."





	Sick of losing soulmates

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there lads, gals, and non-binary pals!  
> Look, Imma be completely honest with you. I had decided to not write any fanfiction for the Dear Evan Hansen fandom, not because I don't want to-don't get me wrong-, but because I'm not very confident about how I portray the characters. Especially Connor.  
> Even so, I've tried my best so I hope you enjoy!  
> 

 

> _"What a strange being you are, God knows where I would be_
> 
> _If you hadn't found me, sitting all alone in the dark."_

 

"C-Connor?" Of all the things and all the people that could have crossed Evans mind, to find in the middle of the night, the last one that he could have thought of or not think of in the first place, was Connor Murphy. Yet, there they were. He knew the other boy but had never spoken to him before. Besides seeing him pass in the hallway or a few chairs away from him in their shared classes, they had never interacted much or at all. One thing he did know was that he and his _"friend"_ Jared, didn't get along at all. The first day of class Kleinman obviously had to make a comment about Connors _"School shooter chic"_ look which almost ended up with Evan getting involved in their whole ordeal. That had been 4 days ago.

The brunet looked up at him, eyes extremely red, gaze unfocused but clearly heavy with emotion. He looked to be struggling to comprehend what was going on but after some minutes of nerve wrecking silence, he seemed to finally realize Evan was actually there, not a figment of his imagination but a real corporeal being. 

"Hansen." Was the only thing he replied, voice hoarse be it for crying for god knows how long or being as high as a kite-if the stench of weed was any sort of indicative-. Evan was pretty surprised that he actually knew his name, or well his last name.

"I....uh..." The blond was so not ready for this. He doubted he would have been, even if he had known the situation he'd be getting himself into, and even if he had time to prepare. But it wasn't time to focus on if he was ready or not. It was clear that Connor wasn't alright and despite the fact that yes, he knew it was none of his business and there was a high chance that he'd mess things up even more or piss off the other teen, he wasn't about to leave him alone. There had been countless times that Evan had been all alone, more desperate than normal, where he wished that someone, whoever, would come up to him and try. Not even help him out, just sincerely try to understand him, simply be there for him. But all that he ever got was pity. So, he was not about to let the situation be the same for Connor, even if the aforementioned didn't like the company. He wasn't going to be one of those people that simply looked and then walked away.

"Can I sit next to you, I mean if you don't mind?" Is what he intended to say, but due to him trying to get the words out as fast as he could before he chickened out, it comes out more like "canisitnexttoyouimeanifyoudon'tmind?"

The taller guy looked at him with a pointed look, not because he was angry at him or thought he was just trying to mess with him, but because he knew he was being sincere and that was somehow weirder. Despite whatever were his thought at the moment, he shrugged, scooting a bit to the side, muttering a _"whatever"_.

Well, it wasn't much of a progress on their conversation but at least the other didn't seem annoyed by his presence so Evan held it as a small victory. He sat down next to Murphy, probably a bit closer than he really should but the brunet probably hadn't notice and if he did, he didn't seem to care.

The night was quiet aside of the crickets and the rustling of the leafs, being softly shaken by the light breeze. Green eyes would steal a couple of glances from time to time to the slumped shape on the right, the owner of said eyes wondering if he wasn't pushing any limits. He intended to help but it really hadn't been one of his best moves since he really didn't know how to.

"Why are you out at..." The sudden voice startled him, but he was more than glad for some sort of distraction. He saw Connor patting his pockets, in look of his phone, he assumed by the route his question had been taking.

"12:37?" The sandy blond supplied when he saw that the other guy had given up trying to find his phone or remembering he didn't have it on him for whatever reason.

"Yeah. What are you doing out at 12:37? Isn't it past your bedtime?" If he didn't know what the other's tone was normally like, he would have thought that Connor was making fun of him. But, surprisingly or not, he did know what Connors usual tone was, and so he was surprised to find out that right now it actually seemed friendlier. Yes, his usual roughness and bite were clearly there, but there was also a joking undertone, barely perceived but it was enough to make him know that it was a genuinely curious question.

Evan had actually forgotten why he was there for some moments, but now he remembered. The tension on his body coming back, like a rubber band tightening before it snaps. His hands toyed with the hem of his shirt, lower lip being bitten gently in thought. On one side, he could just lie and risk whatever progress he had suddenly made with Connor -if there was any in the first place-. Or he could say the truth and hope that Connor didn't think he was _'that'_ much pathetic.

"Uh well...I-I was having a p-panic attack and um, m-my mom is working a d-double shift tonight so I was alone in the house and, uh it's not that I'm a-afraid to be alone or anything l-like that it's just that...it was overwhelming s-so I came over here because this place always c-calms me or more like, t-the nature calms me and um yeah, I-I'm sorry." _'Well wasn't that just pathetic'_ And right there, on cue, were his intrusive thoughts once again. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on what would come next, Connor spoke up before he was given enough time to let his thoughts run loose.

"Why do you do that?" He, for once, averted his eyes from the ground and looked back at Evan. One of his hands tugging at a hair tie on his opposite wrist, letting it snap against his skin after pulling it back for a bit. Red streaks slowly fading into the paleness of his skin. He actually felt sorry for the blond, mostly because he knew what it was like to feel the pressure of solitude upon you. How panic made your body tense where it was nearly cramping altogether, and moments later when you were in too deep, your mind resorted to fight or flight-In his case, the former winning most of the times-.  But, of course, he didn't know how to treat people, so he ended up asking a very different question to the one he really wanted answers to. _'Nice move Connor, really nice.'_ A voice in the back of his mind sneered sarcastically.

"U-Uh do what?" The question could be referring to a lot of things and Evan honestly didn't have enough mental force to start pondering which one it was.

"Why are you always apologizing?" His brow furrowed and he kind of looked a bit more sober than he did some minutes ago, but not completely.

"I...I d-don't know." Ev answers truthfully. He was taken slightly aback but at least he wasn't getting made fun of. That was something good, right? "I'm sor-"

"Okay just stop it. You don't have anything to apologize so stop fucking doing it." Connor snapped, annoyed but not quite angry. More moments of heavy silence follow his words before he sighs and mutters an almost inaudible _"sorry"_. And he genuinely seems sorry.

"Okay, I'-" The words on his tongue froze as he got a ' _what did I just tell you'_ half-glare directed towards him.

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Why are you out...right now?" A hand ran through the taller teens hair, finally giving his wrist a rest. His gaze was back on the ground as he too weighed his options. He could tell Hansen why he was there and get it out of his chest, but then again should he? Well, Evan did tell him why he was out there despite the fact that he didn't _'have'_ to. And he also hadn't left him alone when he suddenly snapped at him so, maybe he should be sincere? He really didn't have anything to lose right? No, he didn't. With a sigh, he explained himself.

"I'm not giving you a full backstory because I don't fucking feel like it and it would take too much time. So long story short, it was a shit day, I snapped. I fought with my family, got high as fuck and came here to drown in my self-pity." And now came the natural _'yeah, you're just fucked up in the head'_ look that everyone always gave him. Like he didn't know he had more than a few screws loose. Like he didn't know he turned into a monster in less than a blink. Like he didn't regret everything he did afterward. But he just couldn't change! And it's not like he didn't try, he did! But, apparently, it wasn't enough. Because honestly, why would it be enough? He didn't deserve help, did he? No, life decided he didn't. But that did not mean he didn't want it. When his eyes landed on the shorter teen he had been ready for everything, except for what he saw.

There, sitting to his left was a person who didn't look at him like he was crazy. There, way past midnight, in a blue polo and disgusting khakis, blond sandy hair and pretty eyes, was Evan Hansen. Who looked at him not with pity, but understatement, yes maybe there was a little fear there as well, but it was overpowered by a sincere preoccupation. There, sitting on his left, was an enigma.

"I-I'm sorry. A-And I know you get annoyed when I apologize and you just said I shouldn't do so without reason but I-I do have a reason." The blond began to ramble, looking at anything and everything that wasn't the other male. "It's just that... I really am sorry that y-you had to go through that. A-And well that you're here r-right now. I'm probably just annoying you but, I'm serious. N-Nobody should have to deal with self-hate and a-all of that." For once in his life, Connor was speechless. Was this kid for real? He didn't really know if it was the stress of everything, the marijuana still fogging up his brain, the earnestness of Hansen's voice or a combination of all of those together, but soon enough, he was laughing. 

 _'Oh god, why is he laughing?'_ Evan did have to admit that Connors laugh was really pretty, but in the current situation they were in, it was also terrifying. _'You made a fool of yourself. He's just realized that yeah, you are 'that' much pathetic. Way to 'help' out Evan._ ' Those were the immediate thoughts in his mind because why else would the brunet be laughing? If not at him and how pathetic he was, then what? He probably hates him now. If there had been any sort chance for them to be friends or at least acquaintances-as Alana would say-, now it was ruined forever because h-

"You know...I think I like you, Hansen." And yet again, Evan was unprepared for what he was witnessing. "Here, give me your phone." As Connor extended his hand he reached for his phone, almost on autopilot, unlocking it and then handing it over. After a few minutes, the electronic device was back in his grip. He stares at the screen, unable to believe his eyes for the second time that night. There was a new contact which read _**"Connor".**_ He looked up when a shadow covered part of the moon's light in front of him. Murphy had his hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels absentmindedly.

"Now we can both at least pretend we have a friend." He stated and then began walking away from the tree in which he and Evan had been sitting under. Yes, he was most certainly going to regret his actions later, because he knew Evan was most likely going to delete his number and act like they never crossed a word because that night he was just stressed out, and that made the idea of helping Connor not seem so bad. But tomorrow would be another day and the sandy blond would realize that no, he, in fact, did not want to be associated with _'the school shooter'._ And if it wasn't tomorrow, he still had Sunday to realize it.

"See ya on Monday." The taller teen said as a sort of goodbye because despite that he knew that people _always_ ended up getting away from him, he wanted to believe that this time wouldn't be the same. He wanted to believe that the preoccupation in Evans eyes and the sincerity in his voice were real. That Hansen did care. That _he_ was different.  

 

>   _"A dumb screenshot of youth_  
>  _Watch how a cold broken teen_  
>  _Will desperately lean on a superglued human of proof"_
> 
>  

 Despite being used to it by now, Evan still flinches whenever the sound of the door slamming shut fills the room. He leaves the book he was reading on the bedside table and turns to look at the one who caused the interruption in his rather uneventful night. Connor is pacing back and forth in front of the door, hands aggressively running through and pulling at his hair, mumbling under his breath. He's hunched over himself and there's a very noticeable unsteadiness in his breathing. Chest rising and falling in a frantic rhythm. He finally turns to look at Evan, eyes full of emotion, so open and vulnerable. Honest.

The blond feels a tug at his heart, painful and saddening. He opens his arms and the taller male doesn't make him wait long, practically launching himself into the embrace. Hands clutch at his t-shirt, a warm dampness growing on his shoulder. His nail-bitten fingers run through his friend's hair, as they rock back and forth gently, holding him close, almost afraid he'll slip into the darkness and will never come back. Physically speaking, he knows it's impossible. Mentally-wise, he knows it's too probable.

It takes an hour and something for Con to calm down enough to recover his ability to use the English language properly. This isn't the first time he's had a breakdown so bad. But it isn't common either. Usually, it takes Evan about 20 to 30 minutes of prying and making Murphy drop down his guard to get him to talk about what triggered him that day. There's never a need to ask why he's in his room in the middle of the night since he only barges in like that when he's A) about to have a breakdown B ) Just had a breakdown or C) a mix of both. This only affirms the suspicions from the green-eyed teen, said suspicions being that his friend -best friend actually- has suffered through literal hell that day.

"Sorry..." It's said with true guilt and pain, throat raw and tender from crying so much, and maybe from screaming profanities to the top of his lungs on the way over.

"You know you don't have to apologize" Evan assures with tenderness, still delivering soft and recomforting ministrations to the tallers long hair. Their chests are flushed, arms wrapped around a waist and another pair around a pale neck. The silence falls back on them like a blanket, noticeable but not uncomfortable.

"I lost my meds, and then some fucking douche, don't know how, found out that I'm well... He found out and gave me shit for it." Connor began to explain, blue eyes stuck to his best friends shirt. Body unwilling to move even an inch, in fact looking for even more closeness, more contact to keep him grounded. "And then when I get to my therapists' office their secretary tells me that my appointment had been rescheduled but, because I forgot to charge my phone it died and I missed her calls trying to notify me." Even made a soft _'mhmm'_ noise, letting know that he was paying attention without actually interrupting. He scoots back, sitting against the headboard of his bed, letting Connor practically sit on his lap. This under different circumstances would most likely trigger his anxiety, but right now he can only care for his friends well being and letting him vent his feelings.

"Also, to top it all off some lady hit my car when I was driving back home. I didn't get hurt and neither did she, although I wished she did. now I've got a broken backlight and a sunken bumper." The rage in his voice had considerably dimmed, now sounding more annoyed and frustrated than anything else. Sitting up his gaze finally locked on the preoccupied teen he was sitting on.

"D-Did you..." Evan starts his question but doesn't end it, eyes trailing down to Connors' arms and then back up at his face.

"No, but I was close..." He lets out the breath he didn't know he was holding back, pulling the taller teen into another hug. Connor had been clean for a couple of months, and he didn't want him to fall back.

It had been around 5 months since they had their weird first out of school encounter. On Monday Evan had approached the brunet, asking if everything was alright. It would be an underestimation to say Murphy was surprised. Turns out, they were more compatible than they thought they were. Connor invited him to go get lunch out of school because there was no way in hell he would eat whatever _"food"_ they served in the cafeteria. Evan was nervous, he didn't want to get caught or in trouble, but at that time he thought that could be his only chance to actually befriend Connor, and so, he tagged along.

They bonded with ease, after all, they found out it was easy to talk to each other about their problems. Probably because the two had mental issues, probably because the two were equally lonely. It didn't really matter. They had each other to talk to and rely on, so what more could they ask for? why question it?

"I'm tired. Do you mind if I crash here tonight?" The silence was broken by Connors' voice, looking at his friend in silent inquiry. Fingers playing with the back of said friends' shirt.

"O-Of course! Do you really think I'd make you leave after a breakdown like that?" Evan asked in disbelief, green eyes meeting blue ones, fingers still tangled in a mass of long locks. "Even if you didn't have a breakdown I wouldn't make you leave at this hour."

Connor let out a short chuckle, the glimpse of a smirk tugging at his lips. "Scared I'll get robbed or something?" He jokes, although his expression morphs once he noticed the other isn't laughing.

"Actually, yes...I'm scared you'll get hurt or something." The answer is completely honest, just like Hansen is with him in regards to delicate topics. He's still unused to the sincerity which they share, but it isn't necessarily a bad thing.

"M-Maybe we should sleep." Evan proposed, moving away from the headboard so he can lay down. Connor stays seated at his side for some moments before he too lays down, back facing the wall, chest almost pressed to his friends. They watch each other for a brief moment, taking in the presence at their side, wondering how they got so lucky to find such a best friend, and then, they finally decide to sleep.

"Good night Con."

"Night Ev."

Connor can hear the change in Evans breathing as he drifts off into slumber. His eyes crack open and just stare at the boy in front of him. Thanks to Evan and his persistence his parents agreed to take him to get a medical diagnostic and once the results came back therapy and meds were an absolute must that the Murphys finally got for him. It was that stuttery, anxious and self-conscious teen who stood up against Larry to defend him when the man had made more than one nasty comment about how Connor would now get addicted to his new meds and would never function correctly without them. It was him and Heidi -who he grew very fond of- who opened the doors to their house to him way before therapy started.

He was beyond grateful, never knowing what deity or God had sent Evan his way. And he was also, head over heels. He wasn't only leaning on him or gripping at his mere presence. He was grounding and depending his sanity on him. He was his lifeline. His little bit of light.  

 

> " _What the hell would I be, without you_  
>  _Brave face talk so lightly, hide the truth"_

 

"Hey acorn, so you and hot topic are finally a thing or..." Jared Kleinman had also changed, maybe it was the fact that he thought Evan was leaving him behind for Connor, or the actual jealousy he felt whenever he saw the practically inseparable duo, wishing he had something like that. But the thing is, he changed. He finally let the _"we're family friends"_ bullshit and started to mend things with Hansen. Yes, he was still kind of an asshole, but that's how he was. He didn't even do it on purpose, it's just that his brain to mouth filter was practically none existent, but after a while, you got used to it.

"Aww, you think I'm hot." Connor replied with sarcastic sweetness in his voice, earning a chuckle and an attempt of a soft punch to the arm from his best friend.

"Blow me MCR" Jared countered with a roll of his eyes, doing his best not to grin at the taller teen.

"You wished. Unluckily for you, you're not my type." You see, some time ago, Jared and Connor wouldn't even be able to stay in the same room. But now, they could tolerate each other, even enjoy the others company a bit-not that they would admit it out loud-. All thanks to Evan Hansen who was determined to get his friends to get along since he couldn't stand the tension between them whenever they merely as glanced in the same direction.

"Wait...w-why do you ask i-if Connor and I are a thing?" Kleinman wore one of his typical shit-eating grins, eyes glinting with mischief.

"Just for the simple reason that you two are obviously gay for each other's dick." He replied matter-of-a-factly, causing his poor childhood friend to practically choke on air.

"W-What! No!" Evan replied maybe a bit too fast. When he realized how his little outburst could be misunderstood he tried to fix things up, key word tried.

"I-I mean, not because C-Connor isn't attractive of course he is. B-But we're just friends. Besides I-I'm not gay and neither Connor...n-not that there's anything wrong if he was! I-I just wouldn't want to assume his sexuality b-because that could be v-very rude. Besides who am I or you to judge who he likes or doesn't like. And...uh...w-we aren't a thing." Everything was silent between the three of them until Jared decided to burst out in laughter, clutching his stomach with an arm, practically wheezing. Connor was better at keeping himself under control, managing to resist the urge to follow Jared's steps. Meanwhile, Evan was putting every tomato in a 20-mile radius to shame.

"God Ev, that answer only proves my point further." The shortest teen explains, wiping a pair of tears from the corner of his eyes. "I'm pretty sure you 'are' gay for Connors dick or Bi for his dick or whatever other sexuality allows you to feel attracted to JD II"

"We're not a thing Kleinman. Stop projecting your gay desires on Evan."

"Ha! You wished. Although maybe I'd be into a night with you, after all, it would be fun to finally pull your hair quite literally."

"Awww, I'm practically swooning. But seriously, touch my hair and I'll bite your dick off." Evan giggles under his breath, despite the harsh and colorful language, Connor and Jared's weird bonding talks were quite the thing to listen to.

"I like them feisty" He wiggles his eyebrows, earning two sets of eye rolls. "Well, later losers, see you at lunch." The totally awesome Jared Kleinman says once the bell rings, demanding them to go their separate ways to get to their respective classes. Evan waves bye to Jared while Connor and the aforementioned bump shoulders passive-aggressively. Yeah, it's a weird sort of friendship, but it's a good one nonetheless. Evan and Connor hug before parting ways.

Murphy uses his math class to let his thoughts drift. He thinks about all the things that changed when Evan entered his life. How therapy, even though it only started a pair of months ago, holds a promise of fixing him. Larry and him are still at each other's throat but, it stopped getting physical and sometimes they actually have something similar to bonding, although not quite. His mom and he are on better terms, and Zoe...their relationship is still a work in progress, but it's progress nonetheless. They're on speaking terms at least.

He knows, that there's a lot more behind the things that are better in his life. And part of that is because he wanted to change. But Evan, he was the push he needed and he hates to admit it but, he's in love. He's absolutely and terrifyingly smitten. 

 

> "'Cause I'm sick of losing soulmates, so where do we begin  
>  I can finally see, you're as fucked up as me  
>  So how do we win?"

 

"Ev, come on look at me." Over the course of their new found friendship, this isn't the first time Connor has to help Evan through a panic attack. Despite that, he's still unsure how Evan's been able to handle it by himself for so many years.

The sandy blond is on the floor, knees pressed tightly against his chest, making it even harder to breathe with the way he's hyperventilating. His face is tucked against his legs, heartbreaking sobs racking his body. He's past the point of muttering 500 words per minute, but that only meant he was now closing in on himself, getting lost in his self-depreciative thoughts.

"Come on Ev, it's me, Connor. Just look at me." The taller guy crouches in front of his friend and crush, taking his cold and slightly damp hands in his own, using his thumbs to rub circles on the other's skin- the cast on his right arm being removed not long after their friendship started-. Finally, the blond looks up at him, gaze distant but miraculously concentrated on him.

"Good, that's it." Murphy praises, a small reassuring smile on his lips. "Alright, now I need you to tell me 5 things you can see."

Immediately the emerald eyes start scanning the surrounding, owner of said eyes slowly regaining some focus. "Uh I-I can see you, the stairs, o-our hands, my shirt and t-the floor."

"Now, 4 things you can hear."

"O-Oh god uh, my voice, your voice, m-my heartbeat and the cars outside."

"Good, you're doing great." Connor praises and then continues. "Okay, 3 things you can touch."

"M-My shirt, the floor a-and your hands."

"2 things you can smell."

"Your cologne and uh..." Evan makes a face before adding "...and sweat."

"Lastly, tell me one thing you can taste."

Evan is quiet for a few moments, seemingly deep in thought. Just as the silence reigned over, it vanished. "Salt...some tears got in my mouth."

The brunet nods and lets his forehead press against the others, eyes closed, listening to the normalizing pace of Evans' breathing. He's shivering so Connor let's go of his hands and pulls him close.

"What happened?" Hansen licks his dried lips, burying his face in the nook of Connors' neck, slowly inhaling, letting the odd yet particular smell of detergent, weed, and graphite flood his lungs. A soft shaky breath escapes him as soon as his lips are parted, he explains nonetheless.

"I was in history and the teacher uh...he called on me. He thought I was talking b-but it had been some guys behind me. A-And everyone was looking at me because he made me stand up..." A couple of sobs were muffled into Connors dark hoodie, his hand holding the shorter male closely, protectively. "And then I tried to e-explain what happened but t-the teacher didn't let me speak. I-It was until he finished scolding me that a girl n-next to me explain what h-had happened. B-But I don't...I just c-couldn't stay so I just got my things and ran out of t-the classroom."

Connor had been making a great progress in controlling his anger, some days were harder, some easier. At least now, he didn't lash out at people. But that didn't save the wall or other nearby hard surfaces from him when it was a bad outburst. Right now, it was like going back to day one, like a switch turning on his anger with the flick of an imaginary finger. If there was one thing he hated the most, was adults acting like they could do whatever they wanted just because they were older.

"C-Con I...y-you're kind of crushing me." The other's voice reminded him that Evan was still in his arms, currently being crushed by the force he didn't remember applying to his grip.

"Sorry." Hansen looked at him and then leaned against his collarbone, grabbing fistfuls of his hoodie.

"D-Don't get mad. It's not worth it, really. I don't want you getting in trouble because o-of me. I-I'm fine now, really."

Connor gave in, nuzzling the top of his friends head, the soft strands of hair tickling his skin. "How about we go to the orchard? Sounds like a good plan?" It took less than a second for Evan to smile brightly at him, nodding almost frantically.

"Alright, let's get going then."

 

\------------------------------------------

 

Evan lays asleep on his lap, looking completely peaceful. Another thing they had found out as friends, was the fact that they both liked physical contact to some extent. It helped them both in different ways, but it helped. And, what was even better is that now, since they were practically inseparable, they spent a lot of time with physical contact. Be it hugging or cuddling, bumping shoulders gently as they walked together, brushing -sometimes holding- hands, or simply laying next to or on each other. Sure, most friends didn't get that confident with each other in such a short time, but yet again, they were different.

Connor had taken Evan to the orchard one day when they didn't know where to hang out. It obviously took just a glance at the scenery to make Evan fall in love with the place.

There was a soft breeze, sky clear and wide over them, sunlight pouring through the foliage of the trees, birds chirping on and about. It was a beautiful day, but it was even better because _they_ were there. Just the two of them. Connor ran a hand through Evans short hair, taking in every detail on his face. The shorter would usually have more freckles than Murphy remembered under the sunlight. He could get lost trying to count every single one of them or remembering the curves of his features, the bump of his nose or the rosiness of his lips. God his lips looked so soft, so kissable.

Without even thinking about it, he began to lean down, closing the gap between his and Evans face, long brown strands of hair forming a curtain around them. There were only about 3 inches between them now, heart pounding so hard Connor swore the thumping sound he heard was coming from outside and not inside of his chest.

And that's when Evan began to stir. Moving against Connors lap until he was laying on his side, face nuzzled into the taller boys abdomen. Murphy set up straight, letting a breathy and amused chuckle escape his lips, wondering what the hell he was thinking about. But that was the thing, he wasn't thinking. Either way, those thoughts were ignored and stacked at the back of his mind once his blue eyes got a hold of Evans image once again. A soft smile occupied his lips for a few moments, and then he leaned down, ignoring all the warning alarms setting off in his head, pressing a pair of sweet pecks to the shorters forehead.

Maybe love was worth it?

 

> "Yeah, I'm sick of losing soulmates, won't be alone again  
>  I can finally see, you're as fucked up as me  
>  So how do we win?"

 

"So...what happened?" Today they were at Evans. Honestly, they were 70% of the time at the blonds house. It's not that the atmosphere at Connors house had turned sour once again, it's just that he preferred the privacy that his friends' house provided. At his humble abode, there wasn't such a thing as privacy when the two were there. Naturally, his family liked Hansen, how couldn't they? He was the living image of the perfect son -if you took away his mental issues that is-. Nevertheless, he was loved there, so combining that with the new genuine worry and interest in Connors life, the two were watched 24/7.

Evan had once joked with a nervous chuckle that being in a reality T.V. show would surely feel like that, he was clearly not thrilled by the idea of a set -or multiple sets- of eyes watching his every move. Connor had replied that it felt like being free under custody and surveillance. So, they only hang out at the Murphy household whenever they are 100% sure it's empty.

Connor was spread out lazily on the worn out, yet comfortable, couch in the living room. Head hanging back as he watched Evan in the kitchen, getting a glass of water to down his meds. Despite the fact that he usually just took them dry.

"About what?" The pills were on their way to his stomach in less than a second. His green eyes landed on the taller boy, not really sure where the question was going.

"Ev, I'm not your mom or Jared. I don't buy your story." At this Hansen's brows furrowed, completely lost to what his friend was talking about. What story? He walked out of the kitchen and sat down next to Connor, the aforementioned twisting his body to the side so they were face to face.

"What are you talking about?" The other guy looked at him with a cocked eyebrow, the expression on his face was clear _'you really aren't following, are you?'_ And no, he wasn't.

"Did you really fall?" Then it hit him, like striking a match on. It had happened at a considerable time ago, but it was still a fresh wound. A wound he never got to heal. His mouth went dry and his body tensed, fingers starting to scratch unconsciously at his wrist. He wasn't sure but he thought he was shaking. He was panicking.

"I..." The word stumbled out of his mouth with a lot of effort, too much effort. His tongue felt numb and heavy. He cleared his throat and thought of what to say next but for once, his mind was blank. All of this didn't go unnoticed by Connor, who was now regretting asking about it. He was just unconvinced and worried. There were some things that didn't add up in Evans story, he wanted the truth. But, he didn't want to be a pushover either. That0s why he hadn't asked about it till now.

"No, forget it. I shouldn't pry. You waited for me to open up so I should do the same." The brunette affirmed, taking the hand that was scratching at Evans skin in his, giving it a reassuring squeeze. He knew that his friend was on the verge of a panic attack. They weren't always the same, and he'd learned to distinguish each one until now. Sometimes Evan would start to hyperventilate and close in on himself, at others he'd start to harm himself unconsciously just like now. There were times where he would start muttering under his breath, running his hand through his hair as he paced the room he was in over and over again. And there were others in which his mind seemed absent but his body was rearranging stuff and making everything tidy and perfect in autopilot.

"I...I trust you, it's just that..." Evans' voice was quiet, hurt. He maintained eye contact for a brief moment before setting his gaze down in their now intertwined hands.

"It's hard to talk about." Connor supplied, knowing all too well about it. 

"Yeah..." Another moment of silence fell upon them, heavy and hesitant. Was Evan ready to talk about it? He had completely ditched the idea of telling anyone, it was a secret he thought he would bury and ignore throughout his life, into his tomb. His dark secret and the most vulnerable memory he had. Was he really ready to show the weakest part of him?

"Come here." At this, he didn't hesitate. Body almost moving on its own, settling on top of Connors lap like he'd done before countless times, and how the brunet had also done countless times. Curling into the warm and not so foreign body, letting his muscles relax, feeling the rise and fall of their chests match up.

"No, I didn't fall." After a less tense but longer silence he spoke up, deciding that yes, he was ready to be at his most vulnerable state. That he was indeed ready to try and heal. That although it was scary, maybe he deserved to heal.

"You planned it?" He swallowed the lump in his throat as best as he could, the pressure of tears threatening to spill growing with every second.

"N-Not really..." It was easy to sense the confusion in Connor, no need to even see his face.

"What do you mean?" He licked his lips and swallowed dryly once again. This was it, this was the first step to moving on. Right?

"I was just...that day I didn't- I hadn't planned on killing myself. I just got to the top of the oak and then...it all finally hit me. I had a really really bad breakdown and as I was looking down, in m-my mind I just kept thinking _'why not?'_ Why not let go? Why not end it all? Why not leave everything that made me feel so bad behind? I k-know I'm not very brave nor strong so, why keep pretending I was? Why not stop the anxiety, the panic attacks, the constant and always present worry of _'what will go wrong?'_  Because I knew something would always go wrong, one way or another so...why not take the easy way out? And so, I did....or at least I tried. As you've noticed, it didn't really work out." He finished with a pained and self-depreciating laugh.

By now he was sobbing, warm fat tears rolling down his cheeks as he talked, hiccups making his whole frame shake. His hands clutched to Connors hoodie like his life depended on it, head downcast trying as best as he could to hide his face from his friend. Despite knowing that he'd done it to heal, to move on and keep living because god it was shitty trying to live with something like that on his chest; Despite all of that, he couldn't stop himself from thinking poorly of well...himself. _'He must think I'm pathetic. Others have it so much worse, but they decide to carry on, and what do I do? I choose the easy way out. I'm a coward.'_

_'Why would I deserve to be happy...'_

"Hey, stop that." Then, there's a warm hand under his chin making him lift his head. Green eyes meeting blue piercing ones. "I know you're putting yourself down right now, stop it." Evan shakes his head _'no'_ trying to lie about it but Connor isn't buying any of it so, he gives in. "I know it's hard...I know most of the time you think and convince yourself that you don't deserve another chance, that maybe, just maybe everything would actually be better without you. But it's not like that. You of all people deserve a second chance, you deserve to be happy."Connor offers him a smile, teary-eyed. "Besides, my life is better without you. Not perfect, it will never be, but it's better with you in it."

"And now, we have each other, don't we? Maybe it's not much but, we could go on this way, right?" He hugs Connor, tightly, because that's exactly what he needed and more, no words left for him to say so instead he lets himself cry on the other's shoulder. The feeling of gentle touches on his back and hair keep him grounded and just motivate him further on to let it all out. Evan hates crying, it makes his eyes hurt, red and puffy, it feels weird and he usually ends up with severe hiccups aside of the fact that he strongly believes he's one of those ugly criers, even if he doesn't make much noise. The point being, crying isn't something he likes, but right now, it feels like the most liberating thing in the whole world.

In full honesty, he's amazed that he actually didn't have a panic attack. But then again, why would he? Yes, he had just shared the most private and vulnerable part of himself but he'd shared it with Connor. He's with Connor, weird yet attentive Connor. Connor with black chipped-off nail polish and long soft hair he loves to play with-mostly braid-. Connor with rare and counted smiles and piercing blue eyes, the right one having a patch of brown in it, only making their appearance even more captivating. Connor who didn't point fingers or judge, he simply accepted. He accepted him in his life and invaded his without warning, just to take up a space Evan didn't know existed. Connor who needed fixing just like him and who he could trust in, and who trusted him in return. Connor Murphy who was his best friend, and who made his heart skip a beat. The one who made him feel the most confident he's ever been and at the same time made him terrified of messing up. Connor Murphy who made him fall completely head over heels and believe in all those rom-com clichés. 

"Are you okay now?" Evan nodded, muttering a quick _"yeah, uh sorry",_ using the back of his palms to wipe off his remaining tears. Connor smiled softly at him, one of those curious smiles in which one corner of his mouth curves up higher than the other. It's so cute and sincere and it makes Evan want to defy the laws of physics and melt into a puddle right there and then.

"You look tired, why don't you go to sleep for a bit?"

"Sleep sounds nice but...could you nap with me?"

"You know I'm never going to say no to taking a nap. Should we head up?"

"Actually, I'm kind of comfortable here...do you mind if we-"

"No, don't worry. It's totally fine. Let me just..." Connor began to shift on the couch, laying down, grabbing Evan by the small of his back so he didn't fall off with all the movement. Once he was settled down, laying on his back he let Evan lay on top of him, head resting against his chest, legs tangled like vines. Their conversation was far from over, but today they made progress so it could be left for another time.

Sleep didn't take long to arrive, both boys share one same thought, it was nice. Being like that, not having to worry about impressions or trying to change to be accepted. Being able to talk about something so delicate and heavy and then go back to their normal carefree routine. They were equally fucked up, no need to hide it. In fact, that only made them closer. Practically joined at the hip.

 When Heidi Hansen arrived home -early- she was met with the sight of two teenagers cuddled up on the couch, sleeping peacefully. She smiled, her son looked so happy. Happier than she could remember him being recently. With caution she went upstairs and then came back down, covering the two boys with a blanket. There was so much time that Evan spent alone, she wished she could be home more but knowing he had someone in his life that he could rely on and made him so happy, made _her_ happy and a bit less worried.  Heidi was glad Connor was in her sons' life. 

 

>   _"Time and hearts will wear us thin_  
>  _So which path will you take, cause we both know a break_  
>  _Does exactly what it says on the tin."_

 

"So, you telling him anytime soon or am I going to have to watch you be all gross forever?" Jared was in front of him, sitting backward on his chair to make eye contact-which he knew Evan wasn't fond of-.

"W-What are you talking about?" Evan questioned, looking away from Connor -sitting a few desks away- who seemed to be doodling absentmindedly on his notebook.

"Evan, you know what I'm talking about" Kleinman assured.

"No I don't" He lied.

"Dude, we both know you're lying." The shortest one commented, cocking an eyebrow as he awaited his friends reply. "And we both know I'm not stopping until you admit you know what I'm talking about."

"Okay, I do." Hansen admitted, toying with the hem of his shirt. This was not something he'd imagine talking about with Jared.

"See, that wasn't so hard." 

"Whatever." 

"Now, back to what I was saying. When are you telling him?" This really confused the blond, since when did Jared care about his love life or other relationships. Then again, he knew the other was really trying to get the traces of their "family friends" status to disappear completely. 

"Never." He answered truthfully. 

"Ev-"

"Look, I just can't okay." Evan cut the other off before he could say anything. "Connor can honestly do so much better, and even if we did end up together by some sort of miracle I _know_ I would mess things up. Besides, why would he even want to date someone like me? Who would?" 

"You aren't that much of a loser you know." Jared assured, brows knitted.

"Yeah, sure." Evan scoffed. Like he didn't know how pathetic he was.

"I'm serious. Look I know I used to say how pathetic you were and all of that but well, I was an asshole." The other teen lifted an eyebrow, he sighed and rolled his eyes. "Okay, I still am an asshole, I'm working on it." Evan knew Jared was trying to make him less anxious and well depressive -or so he assured himself- but he couldn't just shake those thoughts away, if he could, life would be so much easier.

"But the thing is, It's not true. If you only trusted yourself some more I know you would be popular." Kleinman stated matter-of-a-factly, he was not letting Evan sabotage his own happiness. Not now. 

"Sure, because I like so m-many interesting stuff and being in love with trees is totally cool for someone our age." Evan waited, arms crossed over his chest now, daring Jared to say otherwise. He didn't, just like he expected.

"Okay, maybe not popular, but I know you could make friends and all. I mean who wouldn't love you, you're the embodiment of niceness." That _did_ make Evan smile a bit, he'd never heard Jared call him nice. 

"Still, that doesn't mean Connor would like to go out with me. And honestly, I know I'd just let him down." Evan sighed, gaze downcast. "I always let everyone down..."

Jared opened his mouth to speak when the teacher decided to walk into the classroom, the bell ringing a few seconds later, putting an end to their conversation. He sighed and spoke up once more before sitting correctly. "I'm serious Evan. You're worth more than you let yourself believe."

Hansen looked at his friends back for a moment and then back at his best friend and crush. _'Maybe I can try...Just not now.'_

 

 -----------------------------------------------------

 

"Wow, you're more of an idiot than I thought you were." Zoe stated conversationally as she ran a comb through her brother's hair, tugging with a bit more force from time to time, undoing some knots here and there. 

"Yeah, Thanks that helps a lot." Said brother replied, rolling his eyes even though he knew his sibling wasn't able to see it.

"I'm just being honest. You're being an idiot about it. You should just do it." She defended, now sectioning the hair in parts.  Connor and his sister had made great progress, now hanging out from time to time in the others room to chat and know what exactly had been happening in the others life.

"You don't get it. It's not that easy!" Connor threw his hands in the air, as if to make emphasis on his previous statement, his sister simply shook her head and continued to braid his hair. They were sitting criss-crossed on Zoe's bed.

"Yeah? Why?"

"Well...what if he doesn't like me back." 

"Then you don't go out, simple as that."

"What if I lose his friendship because he feels awkward knowing I don't like him just platonically." He begins to pick at his nail polish, the subtle yet familiar action drawing the other teens attention.

"Do you really think he'd stop being your friend? It's Evan who we're talking about. He's too nice to do that." The other brunette assured, tying up the finished french braid that she's been working on.

"Okay, that's true." He keeps his eyes glued to the wall in front, still unwilling to believe everything is as easy as his sister tries to make him see. "But still, what if I'm not what he wanted...what if I fail him? I mean, it wouldn't be the first time I disappoint someone. " A dry laugh goes past his lips. 

"Stop being such a moron for a second!" Zoe finally snaps at him, getting up from her current spot in the bed to sit right in front of her brother. "Look, Evan's never really expected or demanded anything from you, right? Why would he start just because you're boyfriends?" Since Connor was hanging out with Evan more, she ended up doing the same. Also, the fact that she shared classes with the blond and that they were together in a group project, definitely helped the whole getting to know each other better. 

"Evan knows how you are, he knows you better even than I do. He knows that you still need _healing_   but he's been helping you with that, hasn't he?" She looks at her brother pointedly, daring him to say otherwise.

"Yeah, I mean he's part of the reason I have my meds and go to therapy now. And that Larry isn't breathing down my fucking neck all the time." He admits without hesitation, fiddling with the hair tie on his wrist.

"You see! He cares about you a lot. I don't think that's going to change." She assured, placing a hand on her brother's shoulder comfortingly when she saw him slump.

"I'd still be a pretty shitty boyfriend." Connor mutters. The nail polish on his fingers almost gone.

"Maybe, but lucky for you, he'd be a pretty understanding boyfriend." 

"When did you get so good at giving advice?" Zoe locks gazes with her sibling, thinking.

"When you started to get better..." There's a beat of silence, Connor is thinking as well what to say. This is something they've learned the hard way and are now trying to improve in, thinking before talking. They couldn't keep count of the many times they started fighting thanks to a slip of the tongue. The first step for them to change was the fact that everytime the argued, whenever they fought, they remembered their parents and the way they did so too. That's something they didn't want for their future, that's not what they wanted to be like, at all.

"Not so long then, huh?" They both chuckle before a less tense silence falls between them, it was nice.

"Pretty much." She agrees, but now it's her that's toying with her nails before speaking once again. "Let's say that it's all because of a personal experience."

"Wait...did you finally ask Alana out?" Something in his mind does _click_ and he can't help but blurt out his questions. "When!?"

"Just a week ago." There's a soft tint of red dusting his sister's cheeks, and if he knows anything about how a love-struck smile is, then the small one on her lips is certainly one of those.  This is one of the most important and private things that Zoe has said to anybody, he knows it, and it makes him almost cry. Why? Because she trusts _him_ enough to keep her secret. She trusts that he won't use it to hurt her. He almost wants to cry because for a split second he can see an 8-year-old Zoe Murphy, smiling at her older brother, about to gush out to him about something that made her happy that day. It's nostalgic in a bittersweet way because this is so familiar yet distant. He almost cries because this reminds him of years ago when he and Zoe had been practically attached to the hip. And it was so encouraging to get back some of his old normalcy. 

"That's good to hear" He finally speaks, the corners of his mouth slightly curved up in a suppressed smile. "Seriously, congrats." His eyes meet his siblings' gaze and he can notice the surprise in her features that slowly melt into fondness. 

"Thanks, Con." Zoe's eyes are shiny, she too suppressing the feeling of crying. It's still a bit too early in their progressing relationship for that, but they know that the other is sincere. "Well, I'm all done." That being said she gets up from the bed, stretching a bit before placing the comb and hair ties back to their respective place in her nightstand's drawer.

"Hey, Zoe..." Connor is up from the bed some minutes after her, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly, tapping one foot in a slow and spontaneous beat. 

"Yeah?" 

"I'm...I'm really sorry about...well, everything." Another beat of silence. Even if they're starting to be less frequent, they keep shifting levels of awkwardness. "I really am."

"I know you are...I'm sorry for not trying to help you earlier." A soft sigh escapes her lips as she turns to face the other Murphy, running a hand through her hair -a habit more proper of her brother, but that she's been picking up as of lately-. "Guess we were both shitty siblings."

"Yeah, I guess we were."

"Well, now get out of my room before this gets too sappy you asshole." A big grin adorns her lips and Connor can't stop himself from grinning as well. There are no ill intentions behind her words.

"Wow, and here I thought you'd be less of a bitch." There's no bite in his reply. Zoe lets out an overly dramatic gasp, placing a hand against her heart before replying. 

"Not happening anytime soon so suck it up." She sticks her tongue out and her brother makes a face, walking towards the door, heading back to his room. 

"Hey Con" The aforementioned stops in his track and turns around, slightly confused. "Good luck." 

 

> _" 'Cause I'm sick of losing soulmates, so where do we begin_  
>  _I can finally see, you're as fucked up as me_  
>  _So how do we win?_  
>  _Yeah, I'm sick of losing soulmates, won't be alone again_  
>  _I can finally see, you're as fucked up as me_  
>  _So how do we win?"_

 

It's a pretty chilly day when Connor decides to _"kidnap"_ Evan.  "I'll be borrowing your son for the day." Is what he had told Heidi, she had simply smiled and remembered him to be back before she came home from the hospital. The walk to his car, even if it's short, leaves him and his companion with red noses and wind chilled cheeks. Evan had no idea where they were going as they slipped into their seats and buckled their belts. Of course, he had asked where they were heading to but Murphy refused to tell him, saying that he shouldn't worry. Obviously, this left the poor blond beyond confused. 

"It's gonna take a while so why don't you put some music." The brunet suggested as the car's engine came to life, getting out of the driveway. Hansen fished his phone from his pocket and began looking through his songs, playing those he remembered that Connor enjoyed the most, listening to him drum his fingers against the steering wheel. A good half hour passed with them not saying anything, the music filling up the background. Evan watched the scenario change, the last traces of chill completely gone from his body. He leaned against the window, feeling the cold glass against his cheek, sending a shiver down his spine. He cherished little moments like the current one. Honestly, he cherished every moment he spent with Connor, the good and the bad.

A soft sigh escaped his lips, feeling lax and sleepy. His eyelids were somewhat heavy and the smell of Connor throughout the car didn't exactly help him in staying lucid. Before he could stop himself a yawn revealed his struggles to stay awake. A short chuckle to his right caught his attention. 

"You can sleep you know? We still got some distance to go." Connor commented, glancing to his side for a moment before returning his attention to the road.

"Are you sure?" Evan asked to which he simply received a  _"Mhm"_ as an answer. Without further strength to keep himself awake, he closed his eyes, a single thought crossing his mind as he drifted into unconsciousness, clearer than ever. _'I_ _have to tell him.'_

 

_\-----------------------------------------------------_

 

When the shorter teen woke up he felt disoriented for a couple of moments, wondering where he was once he realized he didn't recognize his surroundings. 

"Morning sleeping beauty." He turned to the side to look at the owner of the voice, memories re-appearing when his consciousness slipped back. He yawned and stretched, offering Connor a drowsy smile, still not fully awake.

"Is it here?" His voice was slightly husky from sleep, there was also an extra warmth on him. Looking down at his lap he noticed there was a blanket on him, certainly Connors work. A different type of warm heated his cheeks.

"Nope, we're just making a stop to eat. But we're almost there." As soon as Connor finished talking he opened his door, getting out of the car. Evan followed suit, missing the warmth from inside the vehicle immediately. The temperature was lower than before, breath coming out in small white puffs. He and Connor walked into a thankfully, cozy dinner. Maybe it was just his paranoia getting the best of him, but Evan couldn't shake off the feeling that hanging out with Connor that day included something more than their normal routine. It wasn't the first time the aforementioned took him someplace he didn't know or that was far away, but this time, it just felt different. Even if he couldn't exactly pinpoint why.

 

_\-----------------------------------------------------_

 

The air all around them carries the smell of pine, but the smell isn't the only thing all around them. They're in a relatively quiet sea of trees, pines everywhere and Evan is beaming. Connor smiles to himself, looking at Evan who seems even happier than a kid in a candy/toy store. While the blond is busy fawning over nature he makes his way to the back door of the car, taking out a small backpack, slinging it over one shoulder, locking the vehicle once he's done. 

"Alright, this way." He announces as he begins to walk up a small and almost unperceivable path. Evan catches a few moments later, walking in his own silent awe. 

It takes a scarce 7 minutes to get to their final destination, a small clearing in an almost perfect circle that gives a full view of the starry sky up above. The shortest teen can feel his excitement growing by the second. While he's staring at the sky and taking in every little detail in the surroundings Murphy walks to the center of the clearing, putting down his backpack and taking a blanket out of it, which he then extends on the grass, plopping down on it once he's done.

"So, you joining me or are you getting a nature boner or something like that?" Evan is quickly taken out of his thoughts by his best friends rather unappreciated joke, which may or may not have something to do with Jared's constant teasing about how his love for trees is really a fetish. 

 "Hmm, I don't know, the trees don't insult me." Hansen joked back, tapping a finger against his chin, faking that he was actually considering ditching Connor. Not that he would actually do that, he didn't think he could even if he wanted to. 

"Fair point, _but_..." The taller teen began, turning to his backpack for a few moments, taking out a red thermo. "the trees don't have hot chocolate." 

"Okay, you win." Evan replied with a smile, making his way to the blanket, sitting down next to Connor who was wearing a shit-eating grin as he serves hot chocolate for both.

There are another couple of moments in which they simply sit in silence, drinking their hot beverages, helping them bear with the cold temperature. 

"So, I'm not c-complaining or saying I-I don't like this but uh, why are we  _here_?" Evan can't help but still feel anxious sometimes when he's with Connor, it's not exactly him that makes his anxiety come back, but the thought that even after all the time they've spent and the things they shared, he could maybe, somehow, screw it up. And he can't think of what he would do if he somehow managed to screw up things with Connor. This is the main reason he had buried and neglected his feelings for the other guy, he was scared of losing the relationship they've built. But, after all, he knew Connor wouldn't leave him if he didn't return his feelings, after all, Connor had promised him he wouldn't leave, and he trusted him to keep his word.

"Well, I would love to explain but you'll see for yourself in..." He checked his phone. " two minutes." Evan didn't ask anything else.

 In exactly two minutes it began. At first, Ev thought he was imagining things but when the shiny streaks in the sky kept appearing faster and more frequently he realized he wasn't imagining things, he was seeing a meteor shower. He couldn't stop a surprised gasp from escaping. He looked at the sky in awe and then back at Connor who simply shrugged. His eyes scanned the sky, burning the image of what he was seeing deep in his memory. It was simply beautiful and his heart started racing for more than one reason. Out of nowhere, he felt a warm palm over his hand, he tore his gaze from the beautiful phenomenon happening at years light from there, glancing down for a few seconds before looking away. He spread his fingers slightly, letting the other teen fit his in the space between them, perfectly. 

Even when the _show_ was over his heart kept beating like a hummingbird trapped in his chest, the hand that Connor held felt warm. He looked over at his best friend and smiled softly, feeling somewhat flustered and more than hopeful. 

"S-So uh... " It only occurred to him that he didn't really know what he was going to say once he was already talking.

Connor looked nervous, picking at his nail polish with his free hand. 

"I kind of wanted to talk to you about something." He finally admitted, blue eyes staring at emerald ones, determination, fear, hope and so much more swimming in between. Evan nodded silently and with that Connor proceeded.

"Look Ev, I...If you hadn't found me that day in the park I really can't imagine what would have been of me." A short but anxious chuckle passed his lips. "A year ago, I went through my own  _'falling from a tree'_  and that night, I felt just like that time. But then you came and tried to help, even if you didn't have to, even if you didn't fucking know me and...I guess you kind of saved me from doing something really stupid that night." 

"And then, on Monday you actually talked to me. I thought it was some sort of really fucked up hallucination or something because I was so sure nobody would ever feel interested in me. But there you were, awkward as hell but genuine. Then, we started growing so much closer, do you know how scary that was?" A few tears stung at the corner of his eyes but he didn't care, not when Evan had the same tears in his eyes. 

"I was so scared because I had never let anyone so close, I never let anyone in but with you, it was so easy doing it. It was so easy that I was terrified. Because what would happen if I messed up the only good thing in my life? What would happen if I lost someone as important as you? And finally, to make it worse, I had to fall in love with you." The wet trails on both of their cheeks shimmered faintly with the stars and moonlight. Neither of them knew when they had shifted to face each other, both hands held together. " I had to go and fall in love with my best friend and I was sure that was the easiest, fastest and most effective way to fuck up, but I couldn't help it. I can't help it." 

"Cutting to the chase, I'm in love with you. And I really don't know if this just fucked everything up, I'm sure it did because I always fuck up anything that's important to me, but I needed you to know." Connor took a shaky breath, grounding himself. "Evan Hansen, I love you. And I don't think there are any benefits but, would you go out with me?" This was it, the brunet had finally done it. After weeks of planning where to go, what to say and more, he had finally admitted what he felt towards his best friend. Someone he was convinced he didn't deserve but that he greedily longed for. Because they were in senior year and time was short now.

Evan was quite literally out of words, as everything began to sink in the messier his thoughts turned. Connor loved him, Connor loved him too and there was so much he wanted to tell him but there were also so much going on in his mind at that moment. He tried to organize his words but found the task impossible. The tears on his cheeks, happy ones at that, were beginning to dry, assuring him that he was taking too long to reply. He could also see it in the other's eyes, slowly dimming and losing a bit of their hope as the minutes ticked by in an imaginary clock only them two seemed to hear. 

If words couldn't be trusted at the moment, he hoped actions could convey his feelings. He leaned in, closing the gap between them, pressing their lips together. Connors' lips were softer than what the blond thought they would be and on the other hand Evans' lips tasted like the hot chocolate he had been drinking not so long ago, and if that didn't drive Murphy crazy it would be lying. Neither of them was an expert at kissing by a long shot, but that didn't mean they didn't find a slow pace in which their lips molded together, one of Connors' hands pulling the shorten teen closer, one of Evans' hands cupping his cheek. The sound of the hummingbirds in both of their chests ringing in their ears. So much longing and fear finally melting away, making way for them to feel fulfilling. 

The moment they broke apart, the happiest of smiles decorated their lips, foreheads pressed together as they laughed in unison because suddenly all those days of pining and moping in their rooms, hiding their want, it all seemed so stupid. They had obviously had heart eyes for each other, but it wasn't until now that they could see it. They had been so engulfed in their worries to see the clear signs in front of them. But that didn't really matter now. 

"I'd love to go out with you." Evan commented, cheeks starting to hurt a bit from smiling so much, still, he couldn't help it.

"I bet you would~" Connor teased, earning himself a soft punch on the arm. 

They kissed again, and then once more, pecking each other's lips and faces between outbursts of laugh. 

"We should get going, it's a long way back and I'm freezing my ass out here." The brunet stated before he got up, pulling Evan up to his feet in the process. They got the blanket and the thermo back inside the backup and then made their way back to the car, hand in hand. Despite the beautiful scenery, they were glad to be back in the car where warm AC was a thing. The road was deserted as they headed back, the moon and the stars their only company aside of each other.

 

_\-----------------------------------------------------_

 

"I love you." Evan stated, laying down in bed with Connor pressed close.

"I know, I love you too." Connor replied, rubbing the others cheek with his thumb before leaving a soft peck on his forehead like he'd done days ago in the orchard.

It took them almost no time falling asleep, holding each other, thinking that despite the hardships they would come across and the insecurities nagging at the back of their head, they could go for forever this way. Just the two of them.

**Author's Note:**

> 1)Tell me what you think, should I keep writing fics for the Dear Evan Hansen fandom? Or, was this fic as ooc and terrible as I think it is?  
> 2)I apologize for any typos and/or errors you may find, there is just so many times I can re-read my own writing before I absolutely hate it.  
> 3)Yes, this fic was in fact mainly inspired by the song [Sick of losing soulmates-Dodie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=namgWBbMFiU)  
> 4)This was supposed to be short and look at what I did, I wrote 11k+ words. How the hell did this happen.
> 
> Anyways, as always, comments/suggestions/criticism/etc? leave em down below!  
> Or, [harass me on Tumblr](http://sarcasticfallenangel.tumblr.com/)!  
> I live for the validation, I'm not even ashamed to admit it ; w ;


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